Peaceful Mornings

I sit curled up in my papasan ”circle” chair that I desperately wanted for so many years, and finally received at Christmas so long ago now that I cannot even remember, and I am ready to write.  The white-grey light of this cold December morning in East Texas shining through my apartment blinds; the blue and white lights of my quaint Christmas tree in a constant twinkle.  It is peaceful this morning. 

I believe in fact that this time of year is the most peaceful.  Sure, others may seem in what I’ll call a “holiday hurry,” but for the most part, schools are closing for the semester, people are planning their trips to be with family or helping those in need.  The pace just seems a little slower to me.  It’s quiet in the mornings.  It’s quiet in the evenings.  Everyone’s ready to turn their Christmas music on and sit by the fireplace’s glow with a cup of joe or hot cocoa.  I love it.  It’s beautiful.  The holiday cooking, the constant thinking of others & what I can possibly get or make for them this year, the thought of spending time back in KY with my family—all of it is magical to me. 

I think I’ve always been a morning person, or am at least loving that I am becoming a morning person the closer to 30 that I get each day.  Perhaps there was a time when I would set my alarm for 5:30am only to still nearly miss the bus in the morning, but I always dreamt of waking up to a warm cup of coffee and quiet reflection even before I ever drank coffee.  There is something so great about moving so early in the morning to me.  A sense of accomplishment, productivity and my, oh, my how my brain functions this early!  Early mornings make afternoon naps sound refreshing.  They make bed time in the evening seem so far away.   They make me realize how much time really is in one day.  How much there really is to do outside of work and school.  It makes me recognize what is neglected around my home, with my personal affairs, with my health.  I find that all of these things, I can manage so much more thoroughly if I just wake up a few hours earlier each day.

I suppose it is a peaceful morning such as this that I always anticipated in my early youth.  My own furniture.  My own living room.  Plants to water and dishes to clean.  The comforting call of my bed that says “come back to me, just for a few more minutes…”.  The only thing that is missing; that I pray for daily now when I spend time with the only one who never leaves me, is someone with whom to share the coffee.  Someone with whom to share the peaceful twinkle of the Christmas lights.  Someone to simply delight with me in the joy of a peaceful morning.

Texas, I found my way back…

The lingering question of course is how long this time will I stay?  The answer to which even I do not know, yet. 

Let me rewind a little.  Clearly, I have not blogged since earlier this year.  Though many attempts have been made; many subject areas having crossed my mind multiple times a day, I somehow have not been able to lock down any thoughts into actual words on a screen.  Too busy at times and too sullen at others.  Whatever my reasons, I now find myself with a lot of ground to cover and no real desire to cover it all in much detail (at least not at the present time anyway). 

Basically, by August, I had lived in three different states this year.  After saying my bittersweet farewell to the high school tennis teams I had coached for almost six years, I loaded what belongings would fit into my car and headed East.  Not South this time, but East.  Connecticut to be exact, where I spent my entire summer at a sleep-away camp in the middle of the woods teaching tennis and wondering when I could finally go back to KY.  Yes, I developed a new appreciation for my old KY home that was unexpected and quite welcomed actually.  CT is definitely on my proverbial “list” of states I do not ever want to live.  I did walk away having met some wonderful people, and really enjoying the actual work I was able to do with the tennis program.  I do not miss the bugs. 

As summer’s end abrubptly came in late August, I had a grand total of five days to make the 13 hour drive back to KY, un-pack and re-pack my belongings and make the next 13 hour drive to Texas to start Fall classes.  And since I cannot drive 13 hours in one day alone, my time in KY ended up being a grand total of two nights.    I did not get to see everyone I wanted, but at least my sister was able to drive down with me for a few days.  So, lack of sleep and too many hours in a vehicle within a five day period of time kept me pretty tired and down-trodden for the first few weeks.  It was only the strength of Jesus that kept me applying for jobs, going to classes, church and looking for a place to live all at the same time.  I essentially developed an even deeper compassion for those that are homeless as I found myself faced without a home and without my family once my sister flew back to Ohio. 

To say that I did not doubt would be a lie, though, I remained faithful to the knowledge that I was ready for whatever God had in store for me.  Within two weeks, I had a roomate, a job, an apartment and some relief.  Now, I am doing nothing but working and trying to unpack all that my family moved down for me two weeks ago.  I miss my family.  After my summer away at camp, I seem to have a renewed appreciation for my family.  I look forward to visiting home.

As for now, my temporary home is back in the Lonestar state.  I am happy I found my way back safely.  Happy to be back on the tennis courts daily.  Do I think I will stay?  Well, there is a lot surrounding that, so for now, I’ll just enjoy the fact that I’m here.  TX, bring me some new adventures.

My Sunshine

You are my sunshine; my only sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are gray.  You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.  Please don’t take my sunshine away. 

Do you ever forget that the sun is always “out?”  It doesn’t go away.  When the skies are dreary for days, we tend to lose sight of the fact that the sunshine is just above the clouds!  When it’s raining or snowing, storming or sleeting in the middle of the day…the sun is still above it all, yet, we forget.  Then, suddenly, as we’re walking outside or driving our cars at the onset of sunset, we see a small glimmer of the beauty that we managed to lose to the darkness;  an opening in the clouds where a bright and magestic ray of sunlight shines through with elegance towards an unknown destination in the distance, lighting everything it touches. 

Can you picture it?  I can.   It has happened many times, but most memorably, last month.   The sun had shone three straight days the last weekend in January, but cloud cover and bitter cold with random snowflakes that never seemed to land encompassed most of the following week…until that moment.  And I smiled.  I missed you, sunshine.  It was only days ago where I felt its power, but two and a half small days of darkness somehow made me lose sight of the obvious reality that you are always there, above the gray.  You are always there, above it all.  When I see darkness here, your light is just on the other side of this World.  How crazy is that? 

So, as I am sure that anyone who reads this blog might assume what this glorious revelation has led me to make a correlation between, and if not, let me tell you.  God.  My Prince of Peace.  My rock and my redeemer.  The one who though I may not see every day, is always there, hiding just beyond my insecurities, my worries, my selfish pride.  He is my sunshine.  The optimism at the core of my being.  The innocence that people seem to immediately recognize within me.  The one that I rudely, shamefully forget just because his light doesn’t shine on me every day…and yet, He is still faithful.  When I am nothing, He is gracious.  When I am wrong, He is merciful.  And when I do allow my eyes to open wide enough to see His light shining through the darkness upon me, upon this beautiful tapestry that He created…I am humbled.  I am humbled, because Jesus, my God and my savior, died for me, so that I could live to see.  So that anyone who seeks can have a hopeful future; an optimistism that only He can give.  He is a sunshine that waits for us to open our eyes…and when we do…nothing else will ever compare.

Road Detour

I have successfully started three blogs that have gone unfinished and sit in my draft folder waiting for me to add, then edit, add, then edit.  I believe I have determined the reason for this; Kentucky.  When I am here, there is so much surrounding me that is not positive, so whenever I begin to write, I cannot seem to stop dwelling on the past.  Plus, life is not really very motivating or inspirational right now, and I do not want to complain or whine as I know I am still very blessed all things considered.

It is not that Kentucky is not beautiful; it is.  I have been taught a lot of things the Lord has wanted me to learn (much slower than he probably hoped I would learn, but he is unconditionally gracious and merciful).  I know it would seem as though I regret my decision to return to Kentucky, but it is not regret.  When you know inside that you do not belong somewhere, it is not easy to stay.  I refuse to allow proximity to family and fear of the unknown keep me from going somewhere when I know it is time I begin following and completely trusting the Lord for a change.  I am happy to have time with friends and family again; however, it is just very hard in the mental sense to be back where I was before I left .  It was a detour that I threw in from the path I am supposed to be following.  I was worried about this, but a good friend from Texas reminded me that God honors committments and though I might not feel it right away, I will be blessed for honoring my committment to return when it really would have been easier to begin anew last year. 

I’ve been back hardly a month now and already I have flown off the handle.  Generally in privacy or while venting to friends, though that does not make it better or right, but the little things that were so easy to forget have returned so quickly to get under my skin!  The feelings of anger, contempt and pride inside just seem to boil over so quickly.  It is so frustrating!  I do not believe that anyone would consider me to be someone that is ’quick to anger,’ but there are certain battles I have been fighting here for the last six years and the only thing that has changed with this cycle here is me.  I keep praying for God to give me the heart of a servant; to give me patience and peace, to change the hearts of those around me for the better, but I still get defensive and prideful at times.  I do not like myself when I wear these things; I do not like that I have not yet thrown them out.  I need to be reminded daily to put on “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” like Colossians 3:12-14 says; “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”  

Wow.  Even just seeking out this verse, letting Christ guide me to the message He knew I needed to hear most today, suddenly puts it all into perspective for me.   Not to take another detour with this blog, but recently I’ve been very convicted to say something about this.  Maybe in part because I have been feeling very spiritually attacked in the last few weeks from everyone around me, through some posts on facebook, the news, TV.  I have literally heard the same argument over and over again, and it sincerely bothers me.  People are so scared of “The Bible” and so quick to dismiss its Truth, but how can one read those words above from Colossians and not find hope in them?  How is it that every day someone can claim the Lord in one sentence while dismissing the validity of His Word (The Bible) in the next?  Yes, I know, it is because of the religious radicals out there who use His Word for condemnation and the spread of hate when God’s Word is actually about redemtion and hope.  However, there are those believers out there who claim belief in God, can feel God working in our lives, can see His miracles every day, yet deny His Word, which in fact, is the only way we were told He exists?  I just do not get it.  I suppose it should not be suprising to see that we live in a world of people that are in a constant state of cognitive dissonance.  I’m tired of hearing that empty argument, but the more I hear it, the more I want to change your mind; the more I will pray that you actually begin to study it and allow His Word to make changes in your heart like He is doing every day in mine.

A Snowy Welcome

Alas, I sit and type from my quaint one-bedroom apartment in Kentucky, while snow is falling in the 23 degree weather, and schools are closing all around.  I remember the days when I would wait in anticipation for school to close before bedtime.  I remember how it would energize me to know the next day could be spent playing in the snow, or staying indoors watching my favorite morning cartoons.  It is ironic how a snow day when you are young is exciting, but as you learn to drive or work, where school cancellations are obsolete, the snow means white death.  Well, I am thankful that I made it home from Texas in December with clear, dry roadways; though now it is simply a snowy welcome as I settle back into my ole’ Kentucky home, missing my warm, Lone-Star State.

It all happens so quickly…moving.  A matter of hours and no longer are you in the same place you once were.  I had no idea what the Lord had in store for me as I packed up whatever fit in my car this past August, but I knew it would be good.  I trusted Him.  It was a strange, but exciting feeling…much like a snow day when I was younger.  I knew I wouldn’t have to wake up to the same job that had been slowly sucking the joy out of me for years.  I knew there would be days of playing tennis, studying tennis, growing my passion for what I pray will be a life-long career.  I did not know how much God could bless me in such a short time, with such amazing, encouraging people and an optimistic job opportunity waiting when I return indefinitely next August. 

I did not want to leave, but God made me ready to return.  I said my final goodbye’s over the course of three days, and began my journey Wednesday at 4pm central time.  I do not like driving at night, but I was feeling refreshed & made it out of the East Texas country just as the light was slipping away. Before I knew it, I was crossing the bridge from Arkansas to Tennessee.  I remember that as I drove that long I-40 stretch, there was this gorgeous, picture-perfect tree lit up on a farm in the distance with a wooden, white fence behind it.  I wanted to look up at the sky, so crisp and clear, with the stars just stretched across the sky in their infinite abundance, but naturally, I had to keep my eyes on the road in front of me.  Around 2am and nearing Nashville, my coffee was wearing off, and I had to call my cousin to let her know I’d be stopping.  She was gracious, it being so early, and I was just thankful that I had driven the bulk of the trip overnight with little traffic.  I really wanted to get back early Thursday, but my body suggested otherwise & sleep was good.  So good in fact was sleep, that I had a hard time staying alert for the 3 hour drive left ahead of me the next afternoon. 

I did indeed make it home just before rush hour in Louisville, and was pretty pleased to see my exit…my apartment complex…and my adorable one-bedroom.    It symbolizes a place of peace for me.  A sign of my first step in trusting that the Lord would provide, even when I wasn’t sure I could.  One year and two months later, my little apartment still represents peace to me, and I am thankful every time I walk in my front door.  And today, for the first time since I was a kid…I actually enjoy seeing the snow.  I complain about it out of habit I think, one I am going to try breaking soon.  Though I would rather be in Texas, enjoying the warmth, the tennis and my new friends, I believe that God is already showing me the good he has left for me to do here in Kentucky before I go.  My goal is to start blogging more over the next few weeks as I look for work that will pay my bills, get the schedule and paperwork put together to prepare for my final coaching season at the high school and spend as much time praying, loving and seeing the people who I care so much about here.  As always, I have more to write, and I plan to be more disciplined with it, but for now, it’s time to enjoy the luxury of my beautiful bed as I lay my head down to sleep…and pray the Lord my soul to keep…

November in Review

What a great spread!!

Sadly, I have gone the entire month of November 2010 without a blog post!  November was a rather busy month for me.  Naturally, a busy schedule in such a short time of being away from home is definitely something to be thankful for!  The Thanksgiving Holiday was definitely one of the best a person could have hoped for being away from home.  Initially, my plan was to do something that I have done on occassion as my own little tradition Thanksgiving morning, which is to run in a 5k the morning of Thanksgiving as I used to do in Cincinnati, and return home to an empty house to bake cookies and possibly read. 

So, I found that one of the gyms in Tyler has held an annual “Turkey Trot” 5k  that was only $10 to register & I registered the day before the race (to ensure my participation of course).  I decided I needed a bit more of a motivator, so I sent a message to several of my Jr. Team Tennis students that I had recently befriended via facebook after our Fall Sectionals weekend at the John Newcombe Tennis Ranch in New Braunfels (which I will talk about a little later in this blog) to see if any of them would like to run the race in the morning with me!  Amazingly, three responded that they actually would run in it as well, so I was looking forward to having company on my run, rather, jog/walk, since I do not actually consider what I do “running” by any stretch of the word.  To my delighful surprise, the entire family of two brothers I coached decided to register and run with me that morning as well as one of the twin brothers that I also coached.  It made my morning to have companions for the run, because it really would have been lonely & I realized that I never have actually signed up for a 5k without a friend to run it with me.  The race morning was a pleasant 70 degrees, with some light, random rain that I found refreshing considering I have done a 10k in half-way sleeting weather up in Cincinnati a few years ago.  I was pleased to have the youngest girl in the family stick with me through the duration as we ran…slowed to a job…walked…jogged across a couple park bridges…walked…eventually running the last stretch, and we managed to finish in about 43minutes.  If I remember correctly, the first 5k I ever participated in took me just under an hour, with the second or third having actually trained for taking me just over 35 minutes.  43 minutes was perfectly good with me considering my non-runner personality & zero training outside of short bursts of tennis energy and a few cardio tennis classes this semester.  Naturally, all the boys finished together for the most part in less than a half hour, and the parents were not too far behind.  I believe we all finished within 20 minutes of one another & had fun at the end waiting to see if we had won any of the registration prizes.  None of us won.  I was asked about my plans for the afternoon of which baking cookies was really all I had officially planned, and then I was offered to spend time hanging out with the family that attended the race with me.  I accepted and was also invited to go with them to their grandparents house the day after Thanksgiving for their official Thanksgiving celebration.  I was pretty excited that I would not have to spend my holiday alone, though I had mentally prepared to do so, but quite honestly, I would not wish spending a holiday alone on anyone. 

As I returned back to the house I am staying both Thanksgiving day and after from the most fanstastic two days I have had so far in Texas, all I felt was complete JOY.  I mean, bursting at the seems, smiling from ear-to-ear, JOY.  How can I possibly be so blessed everywhere I go!?  I had fun playing board games, listening to stories, laughing, singing hymns around the piano (my favorite memory by far), and followed it up with a day of traveling, learning to shoot guns at targets, playing in the woods, riding a mule (the kind on four wheels that is), petting donkey’s, riding scooters, feeding the cats & sitting down to the most decorated dinner table that I have ever witnessed with beautiful blue & white glass/ceramic dishes that even had my name written above my place setting!!!  Everyone was so warm and friendly, taking me in as if they’ve known me forever. I am not sure I’ve ever witnessed until now what a family that truly glorifies Jesus looks like, and they are nothing short of an awesome example.  I truly believe God places people in our lives for a reason, and I know this family has been placed in mine to show me what I’ve always believed a family can be as well as making me even more comforted knowing that this coming August when I officially move to Tyler, TX , I will not be alone at all.  If I did not feel as if I were imposing completely, I would honestly spend every day left at their house just enjoying all the banter and games, singing and laughing.  They have all become good friends and a home away from home, and of course, they are essentially all tennis players too!!

And since we are speaking about Tennis now…my blessings have really grown since having the opportunity to coach/captain a Jr. Team Tennis team starting back in September.  The students are all awesome, and were very fun to coach.  Plus, I kept being asked to assist the tennis club with their jr. program throughout the week as well over the last few months, and I have loved every second of it!  My team won their intermediate division and advanced to sectionals along with the advanced team, so the weekend before Thanksgiving, we all got to take a road trip to the John Newcombe Tennis Ranch in New Braunfels (home of the Unicorns!) for the Fall Sectionals USTA Tournament!!  Myself, the head pro and lots of students made our six hour journey further south into Texas and stayed at a hotel close-by since the ranch condo’s were all filled up given the number of teams/players in the sectional tournament of the entire state of TX.  Several of the parents also attended, so it was great to just get to know everyone.  My car contained 2 of the advanced team boys and one of the boys from my team, and we had a great spiritual conversation on the way down & sang Christmas songs on the way back! As for how we did performance wise at Sectionals, our advanced team got 4th place while my intermediate team I think got 9th.  All though very well organized, the format of play was not the greatest.  Six game pro-sets, no-ad scoring and because there were 13 teams, everyone was broken into flights the first day and winning was based on overall percentages.  Basically, if you did not play well in your first match, there was no way you had a chance of getting a high percentage after the first day given that there was only one other team to play in your flight.  Sadly, we did not play to our potential in the first game and it was rather disappointing to everyone, but of the 4 sets of team matches played that weekend, we won all but one match in game count.  It just happened that our percentages were lower because the teams in our flights were not the best nor the worst, and our game scores were relatively close.  I always hate seeing disappointment, but I believe we made the most of it & enjoyed our time at the ranch and the multiple sites we played at over the course of two days.  The ranch had a karaoke night that several of the teams participated in, and my team definitely snagged quite a few free prizes tossed into the crowd.  Two of the boys from my car-load were the karaoke kings who braved a Michael Jackson song that can be found on my youtube video site, which I created just for that video.  The drive home was fun as the head pro decided that as a treat for a job well done, we could stop for one hour of outlet shopping in Austin!!  I spent the WHOLE time in the adidas store with one of the mothers as we found me some super adorable Stella McCartney running shoes (which I wore on Thanksgiving day in the Turkey Trot) as well as standard fashion shoes & a top that World #1 Tennis Player Caroline Wozniacki has sported. 

All in all, the weeks leading up to Fall Sectionals and Thanksgiving involved me coaching a lot of tennis, creating new friendships in Club Tennis, playing in two club tennis tournaments of my own (also using the format that my students had to endure at sectionals, so I know how it felt to lose without really feeling like you did much of anything given the format constraints), watching several TJC Tennis Tournaments, developing working relationships and friendships…and just being thankful and happy for all of the good Lord’s generous blessings.  Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of really unfortunate things that took place this last month as well; friends were lost in more ways than one, people’s perceptions of me were altered negatively in an unjust fashion, and I received a lot of bad news in a short period of time, but none of it can even begin to register against all the things I have to be thankful for in life.  Everything bad just makes me want to pray and rely that much more on Jesus in my day to day activities.  I just give everything that bothers or worries me up to Him each day, let Him take care of mending what can be mended and work on my heart & words more and more.  

I believe that is enough for now.  I shall return to blogging later this weekend as there is so much more to share!  I just cannot believe it is already December!      

Success is a Choice

I’ll start by defining success according to dictionary.com.  Success: 1.) The favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors.  2.) The attainment of wealth, positions, honors or the like. 

I believe Eminem said something similar to my title in his “Lose Yourself” lyrics; success is my only…option, failure’s not, and of course he added ‘mf’ in there too, but I’ve edited for appropriateness.  It is true though, you know?  When you choose to let success be your only option,  your failures along the way are just opportunities for growth.  It does not matter who you are, who you were, what your situation in life is today–you can still choose to succeed. 

Family and friends have always called me “lucky.”  When I was younger, my grandmother would buy me little scratch off lottery tickets and there was rarely a time when I would not win.  When I was in college (the first time around), too broke and prideful to ask my parents for money to buy groceries, I put a quarter in the pull-tab machine at Kroger and won $50 right when I needed it most.  My mother to this day constantly wants me to register her for sweepstakes, because she believes I have the magic touch or something.  I will have you know, that with the numerous amounts of sweepstakes I have registered myself and my family for, I have still yet to ever be the “one lucky winner,” but there is no telling my mother.   The funny thing about all of this when I was younger, was that I believed I was lucky.  Ironically, I do not actually believe in luck anymore.  I do not see it the same way.  I see luck as a pay-off when you choose success.  I see it as favorable blessings that happen on occasion as a way of God saying “hey, I hear you – I’m still working in your life, so do not forget about me, because there is so much better than just this for you.”  A reminder to be grateful for all that He has given me and all that is to come.

I believed when I was a little girl, that some day, I would be successful in my career.  Of course, back then, I wanted to be a writer or a singer or a ballet dancer.  The verdict is still out on becoming a writer in some aspect; I’m only a mildly decent singer - the kind that will actually get sincere compliments at karaoke night when I’m brave enough to take the mic; and as for a ballet dancer…well, I have the rear anatomy of a hip-hop dancer and only took ballet when I was six years old, so take a guess.  Regardless of what career choice I had decided upon as I grew older, I just knew deep down that I had everything it would take to be successful at it.  

I choose daily to succeed.  It hasn’t always been that way, and there are definitely days where I get frustrated to the point of where I’d rather choose to fail.  On those days, I just recognize that maybe there is growth still needed, and I wake up the next day choosing to succeed all over again.  Ultimately, I believe that I’m going to be successful with a career in Tennis.  Not because I was or ever will be a “great” player.  Not because I always knew this was what I wanted to be, because Lord knows, I had trouble narrowing down my focus for a while. 

I believe it, because I have a passion for it more than anything else I’ve ever enjoyed doing.  I’m always going to be willing to learn more to improve myself each day so that others can benefit.  I don’t for one second believe I’m going to be successful at this because I’m “lucky.”  You have to educate yourself to be in the right place at the right time; it is not chance in my opinion.  When you are walking the path you are meant to walk, God puts the people you need to encounter in your way, and when you are not walking that path…He throws one of those people in at random so that when you look back, you can see where it was He wanted you to go all along.  I sort of love that about Him.  I can see those people when I look back at my own life.  I also should mention that Satan too is capable of throwing “randoms” into your life to take you away from where you will be most successful; especially when you are trying to walk a path of Godliness or lead others to it.  I can also see those people in my life as well as see them in the lives of others arond me.  All I can say, all that I know, is that I’m going to keep choosing success.  I’m going to keep getting back up.  I’m going to keep choosing God, because He will always choose me.  

Hmmm…I didn’t intend to go this way with my blog tonight.  Nonetheless, that is what happens when I free-write a little bit.  I manage to find my way back to the root of my success thus far in life.  I’m done for tonight, but there is more I want to write on a half-way related subject.  I’ll save that for tomorrow, I guess.